I've really been feeling you recently even though I've failed you a couple, scratch that and make it a million, times. GOD, you want me to love like you loved me and you want me to show it, but I don't know how. I'm scared. I'm honestly so scared of what you're going to do with my life, so scared of how you're going to use me and even more scared of who I'll become after you're done with me. LORD, I want to be on fire for you and I want my soul to burn every single time I hear your name. I've been letting you chisel away at me for a while and I feel like I've retreated and maybe even regrown some of these parts. I think it's time that you start again before this cancer starts destroying me. LORD, I don't know if I truly reflect who you are, but I want to. I want it quick and clean, but I know it's not going to happen. It's going to hurt 'cause my fallen nature makes me love what you hate. I know it's not the outside that counts and not the results on earth that count, but sometimes I just can 't help but wonder why. It's so painful to see five or six people show up for Christian fellowship, but what have I done? WHY have I done nothing, GOD? Am I scared? It's not that I lack time, but the time I have, I spend with friends, playing video games, doing things that won't further my relationship with you and things that won't further your kingdom. Help me, GOD. I don't know where to start. I want to start again where the healing began and I want to experience you each and every day that I have before. Those times when you were so real to me and those times when I could reach out and touch your face. GOD I'm close enough to notice that you're around, but what I really want is to hear you, hold your hand and follow you. GOD, MAKE me who you want me to be, SEND me where you want me to serve and GUIDE me when I'm lost.
GOD, I'm sorry that I talked so much, it's time for me to listen and I did say that I would do a quick prayer. I love you so much.
LOVE, your faithful servant,
Justin Lam
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